tonight

tonight adrian was really making me angry. he went to bed normal time - 8 - but simply would not go to sleep. i turned his light off once after putting him down, isaiah was yelling at him. then again i went in there because of the light, and he was standing in isaiah's crib with all of the stuff in his room. him and isaiah were crowded with all this shit in there. and isaiah was screaming obscenities. i just said "ADRIAN. get out of the bed." and i leaned down and threw every single thing that wasn't isaiah's across the room to land in a pile. i turned off the light. this last time, the fucking light was on AGAIN. and he was playing with LEGOS in BED. so i turned off the light. i scooped up the legos and put them on his desk. (i'm dead silent.) i pick all his books up off his bed and put them by the door. i take his fold up couch off his bed, stack it on the books. i grab his "jack" pillow and place it in the pile and adrian starts quietly crying. "not my jack pillow." so i look at him and ask "why are you still awake?" and he looks at me and says "because i want to cuddle you mama". so i pick up his jack pillow and arrange his bed and blankets and crawl next to my little boy.


a few minutes later i'm still lying there. i can tell adrian is almost out and i'm listening to the boys' breathing. my eyes closed, lying on my back snuggled next to adrian. isaiah's slow deep breathing, surprisingly loud. adrian's right in my ear but very quiet and quicker. sounded like the ocean. i reveled in my son's breaths until... "toot!" a quick one from isaiah. how quick to remind us that yes, they are sweet little angels but they are also little boys.

i lub dem.